Rodney, You Dog!
by dahan
Summary: Utterly absurd scene where Rodney is dealing with a few rumors regarding his so called relationships. I apologize in advance if you choose to read this.
1. Part 1

A/N: Writer's block isn't fun and I really just felt I need to get something out there even if it is utterly stupid nonsense. Partly inspired by one of my favorite SG-1 quotes of all time, this is going to end with it being a little bit of a jab at few of us just for fun (by the end of this series you'll know whether you're part of the "us" I'm mentioning).

Disclaimer: You honestly think SGA would do a scene as absurd as this ;)

And oh yea, it's rhymes! Badly.

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**Rodney, You Dog! **

**Part 1**

In the quiet that was Atlantis, all was normal throughout.

Zelenka was with me in the lab when I then heard a shout.

Sheppard had barged in with a grin too wide to be understood.

Obviously this was, in no way, going to be good.

And then his words rang, both to me and the physicist from Prague.

It was an odd accusation but there it was, "Rodney you dog!"

The Czech and me, paused, blinked, and stood, just for a moment.

Sheppard then continued his rant saying "Do you have a girl in every department?"

Oh so cocky that the Colonel was with his latest confusing shout.

It didn't occur to him for a while to explain just what the hell he was talking about!

He needed some coaxing, some berating before he mentioned, during sparring, Teyla had let something "slip."

Taking word choice and his face into account, I wondered if his head was in the gutter, if only a little bit.

As it so turns out, my one-year-old lie about Heightmeyer to Teyla was the thing at fault.

Sheppard took it as truth and with his knowing of Katie Brown, felt justified in his jocular assault.

**SIGH**

Regrettably Atlantis, was always buzzing with rumors in the fair city.

It wouldn't be so bad, tolerable even, if it would just focus on anyone other than ME.

Radek, ever quick, after snorting, dismissed the Colonel outright.

I would have been thankful except apparently he had more recent intel on the women in my life…

**TBC…**

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If you've gotten to this point and are still interested (What is wrong with you:D ) a few of McKay's relationship rumors get addressed, as well as the first ever appearance of Carson in one of my fics, in the next chap. Until next time!


	2. Part 2

A/N: This was a bigger hit than I thought it'd be, which leads me to conclude that there a lot of people with something wrong with them.

And oh yea, sorry I'm taking longer to update than some of the other absurd fic heroes out there. ;)

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**Rodney, You Dog! **

**Part 2**

So off went Radek spouting Kate was old news

And trust me when I say the Colonel was, indeed, amused.

The Czech goes on rehashing all with Kate, he heard I had done bad

Apparently rumor was, I'd driven the good doctor Heightmeyer mad.

Knowingly nodding, Sheppard formed as smug a face as he could make.

He then humorously sighed, "…too much McKay for even a therapist to take…"

Annoyed I was, at the childish shot from the Colonel toward me.

Radek merely snorted, "Yes, well, Miko did not have that difficulty…"

Sheppard's eyebrows hit the air displaying his interest as best they could

Radek really didn't need the urge considering he was already professing all the grapevine had understood.

With Miko, rumor was that she, very much, could withstand the McKay charm,

A problem existed however where it was my inattentiveness that caused her harm.

As Radek had heard, my inability to make time for her ended our little tryst,

Apparently the frustration of me not being around enough finally broke the petite scientist.

Sheppard was laughing now, heartily and without remorse.

More than annoyed now I realized that I needed to participate in this little discourse.

My pride was being attacked and now I had to rush to defend.

Radek cut me off however as he continued leeringly with another rumor, "And then…"

The idea of fitting so many relationships into my schedule, though thrilling, was simply sublime.

The Colonel even took notice snorting, "Geeze Rodney, what did you do, date two at time?"

Simpson, Dumais, and Novak were all apparent notches on my belt.

Considering each rumor ended with me being dumped, however, should insult be something I felt?

Why was any of this of interest to the Atlantis military C.O.?

Though not a phrase I like to utter, 'I sure as hell don't know!'

Sheppard doubled over as Radek finished an anecdote regarding Novak, me, and a rumored fight with the Asgard on loan.

I can assure you, the exaggerated image in the Colonel's head right now is something I never would have ever condoned.

The Colonel and Radek's laughter filled the lab while the best I could do was merely frown.

It was then Sheppard asked, "Man look at the time. Hey Radek, can we skip to what happened with Rodney and Katie Brown."

My second looked at me as if permission was something that he needed,

Kind of late don't you think Radek, considering the purpose of permission was already defeated?

Sheppard ignored the need for my blessing as he pushed Radek to explain with my pride now mortally hurt.

Apparently Radek felt guilty now, as it seems what happened with Katie was the fault of a tap-dancing explosives expert.

Never mind that the Czech's loyalty seemed less devoted to his boss than to the blonde marine.

Getting over that, I was feeling an odd sense of relief in that this rumor did not put the fault completely on me.

The rumor mill had it that Katie was jealous of the time Cadman and I were a duet.

She thought that there was more to our relationship than distain and thus began to fret.

The rumor finished off with Katie dumping me because Laura was actually an adoring fan of mine with great fuss.

And as if on comedic cue here comes Carson through my doors, 'Hey why not? Might as well join us…'

"Excuse me?" he utters in blatant shock and accented breath.

Damn it… I always knew that Laura Cadman would be the assured cause of my death…

**TBC…**

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A/N: Hey I said Carson would appear I didn't say anything about him actually doing anything. Hehe. And yes, I am well aware that Elizabeth Weir has yet to be mentioned ;) Until next time!


	3. Part 3

A/N: Would it help if I flattered the oh so kind, loyal, wonderful, and slightly unbalanced reviewers before I apologize for real life getting in the way of me finishing this?

Well, regardless I do apologize and would like to thank again all the people who are letting me know they're getting a kick out this little insane venture.

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**Rodney, You Dog! **

**Part 3**

Shock? Anger? Jealously? Some mix of each or all of the above?

Carson's face would have scared me to death, thankfully it was Radek he seemed impatient of.

Stepping toward the lab bench, Carson faced the Czech with an all too serious stare.

Radek slightly stuttered as he rushed to explain that "it was only rumor!" that he had just shared.

Carson was not relaxed, as he turned to me as if to confront what he had just heard.

I'm rolling my eyes now, why am I wasting my time defending myself from something this absurd?

Alas, again, I am stopped from saying anything as the Colonel sees that it's his duty to intervene.

About damn time, considering he started all this, that lousy "dog" accusing fiend.

But again, my joy is short-lived as the Colonel reveals a personal shot Cadman felt necessary to share.

According to him, Lieutenant Laura Cadman had already "…seen way too much of McKay than anyone should ever bare…"

Damn that woman for being her… as well as that statement's double meaning…

Judging by the smirk on the Colonel's face, being able to share that "intimate" remark was his only reason for intervening.

Carson was amused slightly and though still nervous of his love, was now no longer hell-bent.

Sheppard figured he needed more assurance so he then offered, "Come on Doc, not even Rodney's crazy enough to compete with a guy with an accent."

And at that universal truth, Carson did calm, smile, and seemingly began to accept all was well.

I also caught Radek's look of relief along with another look that spoke to him fully knowing of this truth, though I'm not sure I want to dwell…

With the tension dying down, Carson lets loose a laugh with seemingly great ease.

You know for a guy who once balked at my actually dating a woman, it sure took a lot for him to be appeased.

I let loose a sigh as it looked like Lieutenant Cadman was not going to be the cause of my passing.

Thank goodness for that, that woman already has one too many 'got you under my skin' looks she's been amassing.

Carson shoots a glance toward me and even I'm surprised I caught his subtle look that has an apologetic manner.

He cracks a smile, "I wasn't accusing ya of anythin' improper Rodney, I was jist worried about losing Laura through a transfer."

Sheppard looks to me as if Carson's Scottish is leaking through thicker causing him to not make sense.

I think he and I both agree in that women are either insane or like playing "Fill in the Blanks Left by the Accent"

Carson looked dumfounded at our reactions from his latest admission.

Radek, not surprisingly, was the only one to understand what was referred to by our Scottish physician.

Facing the Colonel with eyebrows held high and a look that screamed that he was dearly enjoying this.

Radek calmly asked him, "What? You didn't wonder what happened to some of the women that found Rodney of interest?"

You know, it's very common knowledge that not too many people on Atlantis have the power to transfer personnel.

Colonel John Sheppard knows this as he, oh so loudly, demonstrated by his concluding yell.

If you're wondering, his exact words were, "You mean all of them? Transferred? Was Elizabeth's doing?"

Oh, for the love of Pete… what the hell was the grapevine spewing…

**TBC…**

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A/N: The next chap is going to be a bit of a silly little wink to my fellow McWeir fans and I'll totally understand if anybody decides to bail out now and consider this the ending. But if you still want to play in my sandbox of the absurd (again what is wrong with you? ) you're very welcomed to. Besides, it's not like I'm taking anything seriously here ;) Until next time (which hopefully won't be too long) !


	4. Part 4

A/N: You know, this was meant to be a sort of dumping ground for my writer's block but actually turned into a lot more. It's been a great fun and I actually felt guilty for not finishing it for the kind reviewers. I'd like to thank everyone for their patience and sharing their laughs with me in the reviews. I actually got three Random McWeir Moments, that rhymed of course, while working on this last chap that were posted on McWeir central so I'd imagine I owe some of the reviewers for that too. Without further ado, enjoy the conclusion of this little excursion into the sandbox ; - ).

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**Rodney, You Dog! **

**Part 4**

Predictably, the Colonel's face beams and slowly forms that, oh so cocky, smirk.

"Rodney, buddy," he says smugly, "and you still call me Kirk?"

The others break out in laughs, clearly in enjoyment, my dignity being lost.

Sheppard slaps me on my back and slyly asks, "so how long have you been with our illustrious boss?"

And is anyone surprised when it's Radek who answers that query, quite kindly mind you, in my stead?

I'm certainly not, but I'm kind of busy right now resisting the urge to bang the lab bench with my head.

"From the beginning" the Czech responds on reflex as if he had been anticipating the question.

"More or less, sort of… in a way…" Carson thoughtfully adds, "or at least that was my impression."

Shock held in check, Sheppard's face seemingly becomes only a tiny bit slightly contorted.

The next few moments fly by for me as every stray thought and theory on Elizabeth and me becomes insanely distorted.

Radek starts off the festivities by continuing the last notion he had inferred.

The Czech simply stating "How else do you explain how Simpson, Katie, Miko, and the others got sent back to Earth?"

Carson is seemingly unfazed, but as hinted before, this little "fact" was something he already knew.

You got to wonder though, if he believes any of this, I wonder if the things I hear about the ancient chair are true…

Next up, we have a rumor regarding 'Lizabeth's new black jacket, that apparently is more function than fashion…

As you see, the theory behind that new garment, is to hide an apparent hicky I left on her in passion.

Uh, creative? Maybe, but to say that about Elizabeth, I have to say, is just plain wrong!

Besides, you'd think if it ever came to that Elizabeth would be more than wise enough just let her grow a bit long.

Transporter users beware! According to the next ludicrous thought that gets blurted out from Czech to Scott.

For apparently it is in those Atlantian devices, where for Elizabeth and I, things get a tad bit hot.

Oddly enough that last one has a very strange and odd proof based simply on the pure moronic.

Since never has it been seen, us together at a booth, and heaven forbid a trip together in it stay purely platonic!

Team dynamics follows next, as I actually get an explanation to something I have often wondered to great extent.

For you see the question, 'why the hell am I even on a team with Sheppard?' is one I frequently lament.

According to sources unnamed, Elizabeth, in addition to her blessing, actually pushed the notion of the Colonel being paired with me.

As I understand it, 'Lizabeth had the foresight to see the Kirk in Sheppard and with him by my side, the Pegasus girls would leave alone yours truly.

If Sheppard was offended, he offered nothing more than silence in his defense.

Scratch that, he wasn't offended considering all he blankly uttered next was "makes sense…"

And it goes on, with the more current notion having more insanity than the last had intended.

Considering the previously mentioned women however, wouldn't anybody have seen the problem with Elizabeth's definition of "relationship" being so open-ended?!

Honestly, has anybody ever even examined the logic behind some of tales that have garnered my love life's fame?

Because between the time I was on Heightmeyer's couch to Miko's lab bench I was supposedly under Elizabeth's claim?

Logic of course was abandoned long ago, as was common sense along with decency for some of these many tales.

Especially the one Carson shared about the Ancient personal shield preventing an upset expedition leader from jumping me, but I don't think I'll dwell…

And the rumors just gets worst from there, not so much as ridiculously brainless, as they are personally related.

I've really got to be more careful about what I share with Radek and Carson, their imaginations seem to just pounce on personal stuff I've stated.

An example being the reasoning of why I did not visit our boss in the aftermath of being Phoebus possessed.

Evidently it got out that it was likely I couldn't be coherent during a visit given she was in a hospital gown dress.

And among the heavy chuckles of the Colonel on that one, I am slowly trying to regain the urge to shout and make all in front of me cower.

I clam up again stunned, however, as Radek shares a Blonde to Brunette transformation meant to keep me focused during business hours?!

What the hell is wrong with my so-called friends? This exchange has just been utterly wrong from shared rumor to every last accented retort.

Uhh, that one about Elizabeth knowing about boxers was my fault though… I really should have censored that planet of the mist aliens report…

But enough is enough, this train of thought has gone on for far too long in my opinion as the only sane man in the room

I break my uncharacteristic silence up to now and have at it with every snark, and scoff I have in my verbal assault of doom.

The Colonel, the Czech, the Scott, none were spared as torrents of insults are released barrages at a time.

I wasn't really listening myself, I just went after their immaturity with rumors and the like, for all I knew some of it was in rhyme.

Finally needing a breath, I hear silence, wonderful silence, which is very native to my lab.

Victory has been achieved as obviously my actions have resulted in Larry, Mo, and Curly ceasing all gab.

And though I wonder slightly whether I went too far in regards to their fun with such an eruption of snide-ness as my reply…

That thought leaves me quickly as I hear Zelenka whisper to the other two, "Did you noticed he only denounced and didn't deny?…"

**THE END**

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Hope you had at least one little laugh in this final chap, until next time!


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